As Jesus died on the Cross, Matthew tells us, “Many women were there, watching from a distance.” (Matthew 27:55).

Where were the men?

Judas betrayed him and committed suicide. Thomas doubted him. Peter denied him three times. The Disciples scattered while the crowd yelled, “Crucify Him!” and it was ultimately a stranger who buried Jesus.

For three years, Jesus poured into the lives of twelve men daily, and yet at His darkest hour, where were they?

Jesus’ experience isn’t uncommon. Men still scatter at the sound of conflict or betray friendships for selfish gain. Think back over your life and the broken or eroded relationships left in the wake of time.

I’ve had friends stop taking my calls, steal clients, end our friendship over a business partnership, and fall away because we stopped attending the same church.

I’m not bitter. A few people probably have me on a similar list, and I’m blessed to have a couple of long-term, deep friendships. But I’ve lived long enough to experience and see that men suck at relationships.

Need evidence?

A study by American Perspectives Survey found that men’s social circles have shrunk by half over the last three decades. Sadly, 15% of men reported having no close relationships at all, a 5x increase since 1990.

Things aren’t better at home either.

Forty-three percent of first marriages fail, and second and third attempts are far worse at 60% and 73%, respectively. What may be a surprise is that up to 30% of Christian marriages end in divorce. A divorce lawyer friend revealed an unsettling truth: the official divorce rate actually should be higher. Many couples remain legally married but live as strangers under the same roof because they can’t afford to divorce.

Of course, it’s poor logic to assert that men are fully to blame for all failed marriages, but it’s usually what I have observed, and 69% of divorces are initiated by women, often due to unmet needs and infidelity.

Another bit of evidence that men can’t bear the strain of long-term relationships, and one that supports my point about divorce, is that nearly 25% of American children live without a father in the home.

Where are the men?

These statistics paint a bleak picture of modern male relationships. But before we despair entirely, let’s return to those eleven men who abandoned Jesus. Their stories didn’t end at the Cross and I shouldn’t be too hard on them.

The Bible and history tell us that the power of the Spirit of the Living God invaded their weak, ordinary, and scared hearts, transforming them into the bravest, boldest, and most loyal men ever to live. John was boiled in oil but didn’t die, and the remaining disciples were martyred for their faith in Jesus, with Peter requesting to be crucified upside down because he wasn’t worthy to die like Jesus. The disciples, eleven men clustered in one tiny area of the globe two thousand years ago, pre-live streaming YouTube and Facebook feeds, pushed the Gospel Revolution to the ends of the earth.

The world hasn’t seen an organic, grassroots marketing campaign like it ever since.

We modern men often take pride in our ability to “handle things” on our own. But that’s not the biblical model. Think about Jesus – He built deep friendships. He wept when Lazarus died. He confided his deepest struggles to Peter, James, and John. Even God exists in relationship – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in perfect communion.

The solution isn’t complicated, but it is costly.

It requires vulnerability when we’d rather stay guarded.

Time when we think we don’t have any.

Forgiveness when it’s easier to hold grudges.

Commitment when casual is more comfortable.

The world desperately needs men who won’t run – from their marriages, their children, their friendships, and most importantly, from God. Since the Disciples demonstrated that men can rebound from their mistakes and commit to relationships and Greater Causes, there’s hope for the rest of us, especially those who love Jesus. As Jesus’ followers, we also have the redeeming and reconciling power of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.

But the question remains: Where are the men?

My book, Stronger Down the Stretch, discusses how Christian men should behave. Check it out.

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